Tonight at dinner with Chris, Michelle and Laurel, another couple, probably in their mid-thirties, sat down at a table next to us with their 7 month old son.
Like mothers are wont to do, they introduced their children to one another.
You can probably imagine where this is going.
Laurel's eyes, when she finally found the baby boy we were trying to point out to her, got big and she stared at him and then at his mother and then back at him. The little boy, Colin, if he every saw Laurel, was unimpressed and soon pressing to be allowed on the table where he could bounce up and down and up and down and stare at the lights. Laurel just stared at him.
Boys are clueless. Clueless.
"Laurel," I whispered across to her, "remember what we talked about. No boys til you're forty."
The other night, as a half-joke, someone asked me who I haven't dated.
"Tons of people," I replied.
"Um... well... Peter, I never dated Peter. And Adam Asher. And Chris; I never dated Chris, either Chris. And... um. That's four. Hold on. There's more, just give me a second."
And here's the crazy thing. I'm not a whore. I know you're not supposed to say that word in a sermon and probably not on your blog, but I don't care. I'm not one. I've just dated A LOT of people.
And really, that's not my fault. I'm a girl. And when boys become infatuated with me, I think, gosh, why aren't you jumping up and down on a table? Why are you paying attention to me? And then I fall for it and agree to a date or two and it usually lasts a week or two and then the infatuation ends although I've yet to figure out why but it probably has something to do with me.
Again, not really my fault. It's not like I'm out seducing people. I didn't even kiss a boy til I was 18 years old. Can you believe it? And I didn't have my first boyfriend til the end of my first year in college! I've had two major relationships that both almost ended in marriage but instead just ended and two minor relationships that just seemed to cause a lot of heartbreak. And the rest, well, god, the list is a mile long of them, though I'm not sure why.
My sister and I were in a texting argument once and she ended it by saying, "Oh Ann, why don't you just go date someone."
Well that really pissed me off, but kind of made me laugh too cause that's my life. And I thought getting on EHarmony earlier this year would help end that process but it only made it worse. The dating just tripled in frequency and nothing came of it.
So after my last "talk on the phone for two months and then date for one week" fiasco, I swore off men. And as of today, I'm 33 days sober.
"But who's counting?" I told my acupuncturist today.
"You are apparently."
But I like it, I think... most of the time. Like when I went in to see said acupuncturist she asked how I was doing and I said, "Pretty good. Since I gave up men the only drama is at work." So that's kind of refreshing. Maybe my therapy bills will go down.
I doubt it.
"Are you experiencing any temptation?" a guy asked me tonight at a show. I'm not sure if he was fishing or what.
"Nope," I said, "I'm a very strong person you know."
And most of that sentence is true. There was the night my grandfather went into the hospital and I really just wanted someone to hold my hand or maybe run his hands through my hair to make me feel better, but other than that, it's been pretty easy and I'm definitely digging not having to worry about reading someone's signals or trying to figure out if so n so is going to ask me out on a second date or wondering if I look pretty in this shirt or just plain.
I think most of my friends are afraid I'm going to enter my man hating phase again or maybe become a lesbian (which would be a whole new set of difficulties), but I'm not.
I'm just on a break. Sobriety can be good for a person. And until I meet someone who just can't help confessing his love for me just as I am, the good and the bad, I'm not doing this anymore. If you won't man up men, then I'll do it for you. No more misbehaving. No more late night calls. No more casual dating. No more text flirting. No more "I'm just looking to hang out with a smart, attractive woman."
Cause I've got better things to do. And worrying about a man, isn't one of them. Go find some other girl to obsess over for a week and then dump her on the side of the road. Not me. Cause I'll be in the Toyota Corrola with the Cool People Care sticker on the back driving in the other direction.
33 Days. And counting.