My dog ATE my glasses.

Seriously.

I looked on both bedside tables (I'd switched beds in the middle of the night). Nope.

Then I discovered them on the living room floor. NOT where I had left them. The right arm was bent perpendicular to the frames. The end of it - where it loops around your ear - was chewed off with only a sharp point remaining. Both arms or legs or whatever you call the things that hold the glasses on your face were chewed. The right side so badly that it scraped my ear when I put them on. Even the lens was had bite marks. Perpetual rain drops to look through.

So I went to an "eye store." Paid for a $69 exam and discovered that my prescription hasn't changed much (good thing - i haven't been to the eye doctor in around 5 years). Apparently it levels out and stops getting worse in your early to mid-twenties. Best news I'd heard all day.

Then I picked out a nice pair of glasses. Similar to my old pair of course (no need to branch out) and they were 50% off. Awesome. 1 hour and they'd be ready.

So I went shopping.

I needed a black ink cartridge and typing paper so I headed to "an electronics store." I bought what I needed and headed out. Then I saw the phones. Roger's been nagging at me to get a new phone so he could hear me and truthfully I was having a hard time hearing people on it as well. Plus when it rang, it had begun tapering off at the end as if it were too tired to finish exerting the energy to ring. Consequently when the guy at the counter looked at my janky old phone, he said "pick out whatever phone you want." So I got a RED (awesome!!) $250 phone FREE. It had been a while. Not going to lie to you. My former phone was OLD.

I was feeling pretty good, so I checked out the sales at Gap. Too expensive. Gap kids - just right. So I grabbed an XXL zip up coat and a skirt and a pair of grey chuck taylor shoes all for under $60! If you're short and have small feet, always shop kids if you can. So much cheaper.

Upon return to the "eye store," my luck began to fade (if you can call having to pay $170 for new glasses and lenses AFTER the 50% discount cause your new dog at your glasses luck). I inquired of my glasses and the man returned to the counter looking sheepish. Never a good sign. Retail persons should always be confident and happy.

"Well, it looks like they broke the frames when they were trying to put the lenses in..." Sure enough, broken right in half. Like Erkel's glasses. All I needed was some masking tape. "And we don't have another set of frames in the store."

"And that means...?"

"You can either pick out another pair tonight and we'll get them ready or wait 7-10 days for a new frame of the original pair you chose."

"But I'm a pastor" I said out loud - thinking in my head that "man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart."

Precisely.

"And I'm up in worship tomorrow!"

"Oh."

The usual response. But the other guy standing there got really excited that I was a pastor. He high-fived me for preaching occasionally. Unfortunately, that didn't really make me feel better.

"Frank," I said to my Westlake friend who always tells me to buy what I want, "Do you think I should pick out another frame or wait for the pair I like to come in and just wear these broken ones tomorrow at church?"

"You CANNOT wear those to church, Ann."

Figures.

So my saleslady who had helped me earlier came up with a solution. Buy a cheap pair of glasses, don't get the really good lenses and you'll still get 50% off. Then you'll have an extra pair for when the ones you want come in!

So that's what I did.

I now have two new pairs of glasses (one arriving in 7-10 days), a new phone, a black ink printer cartridge, computer paper, a jacket, a skirt and a pair of grey no-lace chuck taylors.

All because my dog ate my glasses.

Sheesh.