Saturday, March 08, 2008

RIP Mike Rudd

My ex-boyfriend died.

I feel bad writing this because I'm not seeking sympathy or attention. There are people hurting more than me and i know that. I just need to process.


I deleted pictures of him off my computer last year, so I have nothing to look at.

Except two pieces of art. He was a photographer. I have one of his pictures framed in the back bedroom. A picture he printed and gave to me. Another one was buried underneath a pile of papers that I sorted through today.

Mike is buried underground.

With Kyle, and Radley and my grandparents. And everyone else who's died.

I keep thinking, "But I didn't get to say good-bye!" It's quite frustrating. I wish he had called and told me he was sick. I understand it happened very quickly, but I still wish he would have called.

I've thought of him several times over the past year. Should I send him a Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year's text? No, it might give him the wrong impression.

Might give him the wrong impression.

The impression that I didn't care anymore?

God, this sucks. I didn't get to say good-bye.

He said he believed in God, but he didn't go to church. He said he would go with me on Sundays if I wanted him to, but not to Wednesday nights or any during the week stuff...

He broke up with me because he thought I had argued with his brother about politics. He accused me of being mean. It wasn't true though. We had talked politics, but we hadn't argued. His brother was high and I was probably just being my bold little know-it-all self. But we hadn't argued. I hadn't been mean.

I cried when we broke up even though I knew it was for the best.

My friends said, "Good riddance." And it made me sad.

Just because he wasn't right for me doesn't mean he wasn't right.

He made me laugh. I loved watching movies with him on the couch: Kill Bill and Kill Bill 2. I loved his asparagus speghetti. And his art.

I've always ignored heaven and hell. I don't think they really exist. I hate scare tactics used to make people "love/choose" God. I hate identifying God with something evil: hell. I hate how primitive and human it sounds: if you're good, you get this; if you're bad, you get this. Please. How much more reductionistic can we get? But after I found out about Mike's death, I felt uneasy that I didn't know if he "knew" Christ. Did he say he believed in God, or did he just pacify me? I can't remember. Was he really a Christian? He didn't exactly remind me of one...

Isn't that awful? I judged his lifestyle. I gave into fear. I reduced him to nothing but a decision.

I reduced him to a spirit. A spiritual being.

Are we more than that though? Are we only that?

I can't think anymore. All I can think about is him. How I didn't get to say good-bye. And how I think I'm going to cry...


Anonymous said...

I was really shocked at one of your comments in this post:

I hate identifying God with something evil: hell. I hate how primitive and human it sounds: if you're good, you get this; if you're bad, you get this.

I hope you don't think that you get to heaven or hell by being "good" or "bad". I hope that you are more familiar with grace than that.

And if heaven isn't the end of all this, than what is? And what would our purpose be then?

Sorry, but I am so confused by this post.

I am so very sorry for your loss. All your losses in recent years. I hope that you are able to find some peace in these difficult times.

Ann said...

I don't think people "get" to heaven or hell by being good or bad. But I do think that many cultures reflect that sort of system. While for Christians "getting somewhere" may be dependent on Grace, in many other religions with a similar system, it doesn't always - they're reward based, behavior based, etc. Christians may have reinterpreted or recreated life after death issues, assigning them new truths, but the systems are still similar.

It's not that I don't believe in heaven, I do; but truthfully I'm not so sure about hell...

lynnette said...

i'm sorry for your loss. i think your process words are beautiful. it's so easy to judge and reduce, but you point to another way. "Just because he wasn't right for me doesn't mean he wasn't right." thanks for this.

Michelle said...

Oh my God, Ann. This news shocked the hell out of me. We liked Mike. He was a good guy who one could have easy conversations with. And just because most of your friends said "good riddance" it wasn't Mike we were saying that to, but to the idea of you and him, just like you stated in this post.

We love you lots Ann and remember, you did get to say good-bye, just maybe not in the way you wanted.

texasinafrica said...

I'm really sorry, Ann.

poshdeluxe said...

oh ann, i'm so sorry.

i think it's human nature to want closure, to need that last good-bye. but we don't always get it-- whether the person passes out of this life, or simply passes out of our lives. and there's nothing that can really make that better or easier, except the hope, the knowledge that you can keep on with the life you have.

jenA said...

i am sorry for your loss, hon. it's a hard thing to bear

alicia hart said...

no matter how it ended or what you wish you could have said, certainly now he's in heaven and knows you care about him. really. he's probably looking down wishing you weren't so sad and that you're just thinking about the great times you had together. now i am crying. but i'm a baby.