My ex-boyfriend died.
I feel bad writing this because I'm not seeking sympathy or attention. There are people hurting more than me and i know that. I just need to process.
I deleted pictures of him off my computer last year, so I have nothing to look at.
Except two pieces of art. He was a photographer. I have one of his pictures framed in the back bedroom. A picture he printed and gave to me. Another one was buried underneath a pile of papers that I sorted through today.
Mike is buried underground.
With Kyle, and Radley and my grandparents. And everyone else who's died.
I keep thinking, "But I didn't get to say good-bye!" It's quite frustrating. I wish he had called and told me he was sick. I understand it happened very quickly, but I still wish he would have called.
I've thought of him several times over the past year. Should I send him a Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year's text? No, it might give him the wrong impression.
Might give him the wrong impression.
The impression that I didn't care anymore?
God, this sucks. I didn't get to say good-bye.
He said he believed in God, but he didn't go to church. He said he would go with me on Sundays if I wanted him to, but not to Wednesday nights or any during the week stuff...
He broke up with me because he thought I had argued with his brother about politics. He accused me of being mean. It wasn't true though. We had talked politics, but we hadn't argued. His brother was high and I was probably just being my bold little know-it-all self. But we hadn't argued. I hadn't been mean.
I cried when we broke up even though I knew it was for the best.
My friends said, "Good riddance." And it made me sad.
Just because he wasn't right for me doesn't mean he wasn't right.
He made me laugh. I loved watching movies with him on the couch: Kill Bill and Kill Bill 2. I loved his asparagus speghetti. And his art.
I've always ignored heaven and hell. I don't think they really exist. I hate scare tactics used to make people "love/choose" God. I hate identifying God with something evil: hell. I hate how primitive and human it sounds: if you're good, you get this; if you're bad, you get this. Please. How much more reductionistic can we get? But after I found out about Mike's death, I felt uneasy that I didn't know if he "knew" Christ. Did he say he believed in God, or did he just pacify me? I can't remember. Was he really a Christian? He didn't exactly remind me of one...
Isn't that awful? I judged his lifestyle. I gave into fear. I reduced him to nothing but a decision.
I reduced him to a spirit. A spiritual being.
Are we more than that though? Are we only that?
I can't think anymore. All I can think about is him. How I didn't get to say good-bye. And how I think I'm going to cry...