The Night Harry Potter Stole My Innocence

I've been neglectful, it's true. But I've been SO busy... so that's my excuse. I have been thinking on all sorts of fun things that, honest to god, I really do intend to write about soon, but it just hasn't happened. Monday was my first full day off in February, and I spent most of it sleeping and eating and cleaning. Although I did work out... or did I? I can't remember now. Yeah, I'm gonna go with no, I did not work out. Golly and that was just yesterday.

Obviously my memory is a little slow.

As is my metabolism. I went to the doctor today and discovered that I am the heaviest I've ever been (with the exception of my first year in college - the freshman fifty you know! - oh wait, i think that was supposed to be fifteen). And while I'm not complaining, I am sort of lamenting what to do about my closet full of clothes that aren't fitting right and look terrible on me.

On a lighter note (always make fun of yourself!), I'm also the happiest I've been in a long time. I don't know if it is all the hard work I did at the therapist in 2008 or my attempts to bribe and brainwash 2009 into being a fantastic year, but something is different. And I'll take it while it lasts.

What isn't lasting is my youth and naivete. I learned something tonight about myself. I sort of discovered that I wasn't a teenager anymore and I'll never be a famous movie star. Stay with me on this. You see, I've spent the last two days catching up on Harry Potter movies I've missed over the past few years. And now that Harry's fifteen I thought tonight, gosh, he's cute; I'd date him. And then I realized. I'M THIRTY. I will never date Harry Potter because I'm TWICE HIS AGE. And not only that, I'm not famous, nor will I ever be, so how would I meet him anyway? I'll never be a movie star. I'll never be a young beautiful woman who gave a dazzling performance on the big screen and is now accepting her Oscar. Although truthfully (sorry, Harry), I never actually thought I'd marry a movie star. I always figured I'd marry someone normal and a little boring but who made me laugh and didn't mind raising our kids in my movie set trailer...

I know that seems ridiculous and a little narcissistic. But I think that until tonight I honestly thought I'd get "discovered" someday by someone who immediately saw my raw talent and dashing good looks. And tonight I realized that's not going to happen. I'll never be interviewed by Barbara Walters. I'll never be saving my parents the two best seats in the house for the musical I'm starring in on Broadway.

This was quite a blow, I tell you, quite a blow.

But despite my obesity (smile people, it's a joke) and my epiphany that I'll never be Nicole Kidman or Glen Close and the slow realization that all I've got is a house, some pets and a bottle of vodka, I'm taking it remarkably well.

Scratch the bottle of vodka. I forgot I'm giving up sugar and alcohol starting tomorrow morning.

So that's the scoop. I've been very busy getting fat and getting deflated. Ironic, I suppose. But the truth nonetheless.

Of course, if anyone important is reading this right now, and you want to scoop me up and escort me off to LA to film the next Moulin Rouge, that's okay too. I'd gladly revise this post and lose thirty pounds or thirty years for the role. :)