Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Do you ever stop and marvel at where you are?

Do you ever stop and feel the emptiness deep in your gut that reminds you where you are?

I'm somewhere between the two right now. When I get to preach, or meet admirable people, or engage in life-changing conversation, I marvel. When I laugh with new friends who I didn't even know six months ago, I marvel. When I look at handsome men, eat expensive meals and dress in suits to talk religion, I marvel.

But when I sit alone at night, I feel. When I don't know who to call, I feel. When my grey sweatpants don't make anyone smile anymore, I feel.

And I re-evaluate community. I remember who was friends with me, who knew me in ways in didn't know myself; I miss their being. I remember aquaintances who knew my name, knew my platforms and came to my parties; I miss their hello's. I remember road trips with people who maybe liked me, but maybe only for who I dated; I miss their approval.

And that's when I get scared.

I thought we got to take friends on with us, no matter where we went. If I called Moxi, I'd still sing Eponine's lines. If I called Brooke, I'd still be her fifi. Right? I haven't talked to them in so long...

Maybe I'm not right. Maybe I'm wrong.

I've sung onstage in front of thousands. I've preached in front of people years, books and degrees smarter than me. But singing and preaching and acting and dancing and writing and graduating and getting a job are nothing.

Letting go is by far the hardest thing I've ever done.


cat said...

You almost made me cry with this blog. I miss you and your the bonds still stretch across time and state lines??? They have to.

Anonymous said...

i know what you mean, ann. and it's terribly hard. and awfully sad.

i don't have much to offer, but i read this quote from "velvet elvis" (that book we were talking about last night at SG), and it gave me some encouragement:

"i have to stop living in reaction and start letting a vision of what lies ahead pull me forward."

love to you.

Anonymous said...

A wise person once said, "before we can live life and see our future we must first understand our past." You are a lucky lady, Ann. God has blessed you in many ways. You have been around the world, achieved at all levels, and lived a life filled with love, accomplishment and recognition.

Life is a journey, marked by a series of happenings and events. We stop off occasionally and stay for a while before we are taken on to the next stage in our journey. Each stage brings us to a new understanding of who and where we are and what is in store for us. This should be an exciting time for you. Think about it. Understand...see where you have been and what is waiting. It doesn't matter if you're job hunting, dating and loving, losing friends, parenting cats, house-looking, protecting your sisters and friends, or sharing your theology within your community. Life is good.

Ann, life has a lot in store for you. You don't have to let go of the past, because it is part of who you are. Be excited...get ready... great things await you, and those around you...all you need to do is understand and freely accept what God gives you.

I love you, Dad.

Melanie said...

when you are lying in bed and wondering who to call, call me! I may be all the way in Mexico right now, but I'm here for you babe! You can always call my cell phone, and I'll call you back.

Love and miss you Ann!

sean and mel said...

you sigh a lot too

myleswerntz said...

sighing is the soul's way of crying, i think. i've been thinking a lot about this this week with a couple of friends in mind and wondering just how long things could last. a lifetime? another month? a year? part of grace, i think, is that sometimes, the dissolution of those things that can't be sustained happens without our knowing it.