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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

No, Jesus cannot be your boyfriend.

I heard last week at the Current Retreat someone talking about the singles ministry at their church in podunctville, tx (I should have known the story was going downhill). He said that for V-day the ministry was throwing a "Jesus Is My Valentine" party.

No.

No. No. No.

You may not throw a party with that title.

Bad theology. Bad gimmick. Bad idea.

What does that tell singles? "No one wants you but Jesus... lucky you!" "You're too ugly to get a real boyfriend, so you get Jesus!" "That bit about a nice personality doesn't date well, but an invisible savior does!"

I can't believe we buy into that. Jesus is not our lover. Gross. Mary Magdalene's maybe (that's for all the conservatives out there, i'm feeling cantankerous and pushy), but not ours! He's a god, not a boyfriend. We don't snuggle up with God under a plush blanket and watch chick flicks. We don't get flowers from God. We don't kiss God good night. And we sure as hell don't...well...you-know-what with Him.

Yuck. Not to mention that if you call God "Him," you've got a bunch of single men calling God their Valentine. Are we condoning homosexuality now?

Okay, I know. I've crossed the line. It's just that I hate that crap. I hate feel-good, cheesy, substitute-Jesus-for-what-culture-says-I'm-lacking-in crap. It's not right.

Yes, Jesus loves you.
Yes, people love you.
Yes, you are okay single and alone.
Yes, it sucks that your friends are being mushy with their significant others and you're going to watch your 159th episode of Sex in the City. But it's all good. I love Sex in the City.

You are whole. You are unique. You are beautiful. You are ugly. And God loves you (and me) anyway.

Good news for the day of love.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

This was so hilarious...the funniest post in any blog I've read today. What do you mean by "bad theology?"

--Evan

kairos said...

Great post, Ann! Thanks!
-kairos

jenA said...

oh, hell and yeah are married to this post. you rockety rock.

Christi said...

One more reason I love ya Ann! Oh ... glad to hear I'm not the only one watching Sex and the City tonight! :)

Craig said...

wonderful.

Empty Voice said...

Evan

I think by "bad theology" she means it's faulty thinking. As opposed maybe to "good theology" that is religous thought that is based not only in scripture but in reality. In the desire to try to he;p the kids at the retreat, they draw some pretty erroneous conclusions about what being single and/or christian is all about. Sooner or later the bumper sticker theology is going to hit a wall and you'll still be stuck with the same empty problems you ahd before.

sladkaya said...

i guess people will do anything to get kids to come to church. that is definitely crossing the line. but a funny story, anyhow.

Kendra said...

hey, i was just talking about this "faulty heuristic" with a friend today. We both agreed: No you do not possess Jesus all to yourself, and he is not your boyfriend.

il n'y a plus de said...

it things and opinions like this that make me love you...great thoughts. Although the whole Jesus as your boyfriend takes me back to those good ol' warped obu days. by they way what's the latest on you coming to CO????

lynnette said...

"once you are content in who you are and in your relationship with your boyfriend jesus, then a magical miracle will occur and a wonderful man will appear to be your husband."

preach on, ann. i think "jesus as your boyfriend" is a load of crap that gets sold to women who aren't married. that can't be what the gospel is about.

Kiwi Nomad 2006 said...

Actually it is Desperate Housewives I enjoy watching. One programme that makes it seem not so bad to be single!

robbins said...

you can always add ugandan phone numbers to your phone bill... we're as valentineless as it gets

Anonymous said...

Oh-oh, here we go again.

Anonymous said...

As you and some of your "commentors" have said, some people will do anything to entice people to come to church. Does it have to be "street talk"? I think sometimes little Ann needs a grandma to wash her mouth out with soap!

Sarahlynn said...

So true. I think this is the same sort of "bad theology" that goes into some of the modern "Christian rock" and praise music where you could easily substitute "Baby" for "Jesus".

jenA said...

oh, boy. this conversation has taken an interesting turn. don't be shy, "grandma", share more of your wisdom with us in full view ...

Anonymous said...

grandmas have a right to speak out, especially when they have committed so much to helping their beloved little grand babies grow up and become productive members of society. Doesn't anyone understand how they (grand parents) hurt when the grandkids publicly use language that was at one time inappropriate in public. Grandma loves you girl, she just wishes you would be more respectful in your language usage.Way to go Grandma!!!!

Don said...

Not to throw a wrench into your rant but...

there is something about Bride & Bridegroom talk in the Bible, something about Christ as the Bridegroom and the Church being the bride...

and then there's the whole book dedicated to icky-icky wet and mushy feelings (with some very graphic parts) that has historically been interpreted as God's relationship to His people/church...

Now, does that make Jesus anyone's valentine? Hardly. But it is food for thought. And when I say food, I mean a little cupcake with pink icing and red candy hearts on top...

Anonymous said...

God as our husband, it's biblical ... Jeremiah 3:14 NIV • "Return, faithless people," declares the LORD, "for I am your husband. I will choose you—one from a town and two from a clan—and bring you to Zion."