Monday, November 10, 2008

Reflections on Relationships

i have an interesting life.

unfortunately much of it is spent comparing myself to others, but whose isn't, i mean, really? (except for maybe all those spiritual sufis who manage to meditate everything away - not all of us can be so enlightened).

did you ever have (or did you ever get old enough to say) "at least i'll get married before so-n-so!" or "surely i'll get married before him/her!" or "if this person gets married before me, that's the last straw."

i cannot tell you how many of those i have.

and now all those fill-in-the-blanks are not only all married (before me) but are now on to having babies. for heaven's sake! let a girl catch up why don't ya!

okay, so they're not all having babies; fill-in-the-blanks big phil, bwack, jessy, julie, lance, kc and frank are all still without child... as far as i know. thank god.

i, on the other hand, while dancing with a young man at a dance hall the other night (yes i go swing, lindy, jitterbug, even polka dancing usually once a week), received this compliment :

"You're a vegetable."

seriously? seriously?! seriously.

you think i'm gonna fall for "you're a vegetable!?"

It only got worse.

"You thought i wasn't going to ask you to dance," he said. one, two, rock-and. "I asked all the other girls in your group to dance before i asked you, but i like to eat my desserts first. You however are a vegetable, and I love veggies."

oh. my. god.

i guess I should be grateful he didn't call me a piece of meat. i should count my blessings.

pastors always count their blessings.

a couple of weeks ago i was riding home to austin in a car full of people. of course i was smooshed into the middle back seat position and as we were filing like clowns into the car one woman called out, "It's a Pastor Ann Sandwich!" ha ha. very funny until one guy decided to make it alliterative, "Pastor Ann Sandwich Porn, that sounds fun!"

no. you did not just put my name and the word porn in the same sentence.

Oh but he did.

on yet another occasion, yet another guy told me i was five foot six.

wait for the context.

he said he has a tendency to think of girls he "likes" as being the same height as him. he's 5'10. when i said i was 5'1 (no comments from the peanut gallery) he said, "really? i thought you were 5'6."

does that mean he sort of likes me? not 5'10 likes me, but definitely more than 5'1 likes me? i mean, how do i respond back to that? i 5'6 like you too?

when did men get so complicated?

they used to call me smart, cute, funny, strong-willed, sexy, compassionate, talented, a little intimidating at times...

now look at me. i'm a 5'6 vegetable sandwich.

my best friend says my "life moves to a different rhythm." my mom says i should "defy gravity because everyone deserves a chance to fly." my grandma says i'm too picky.

i say i have an interesting life. so if stella gets her groove back or i happen to run into the wizard of oz, i'll give those opportunities my best shot.

but for now i'm cutting vegetables out of my diet.

and i'm scheduling an appointment with my therapist.

and i'll probably have ice cream for dinner and watch Bridget Jones' Diary tonight in case any other veggies or marrieds or pregos want to come over and hang out tonight.


deliciousmelissa said...

i know how dear to your heart bridget jones' diary is, but i just couldn't do it. i'm not that cool.
you, however, are one cool, kangaroo?

please don't eat ice cream for dinner, you'll get a tummy ache.

you are so so witty ann, i can hear you talking this entire blog right now. i feel it. i too, feel like i have had quite a few of those moments. perhaps this is a time i will look back on and treasure, for now, it mostly sucks to be alone. i mean, mostly.
ice cream away.

Patrick said...

This was a very funny post.

Thank you for sharing your awkward situations for our amusement!

I feel a little sorry for the "vegetable" guy (but only a little) - I'm sure he was thinking, "Oh yes, this is a creative compliment. This one is a winner!"

Anonymous said...

Don't cut veggies out of your diet, Ann. Veggies are good for you.

And I love you.

-This is Michelle

Anonymous said...

2012 Update: Jessy, Julie, KC and Frank all have children.