Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Dear David,

I won't read your xanga anymore because it makes me cry. I go to work for 10 or 11 hours a day, and I laugh because no one there reminds me of saddness. They don't know, they don't remember and it's a totally different world from the one I came from. But it is still the church and inevitably someone mentions a baptism or someone jokes about getting shocked. And only then do I experience a brief wave of pain, soft pain, the kind that makes your eyelids droop. They and the smile that momentarily lapses are the only visible sign that I remember.

But I do.

Just not much at work.

When I come home, I remember. When I am alone, I remember. When I pray, I remember. When I return to Waco, I remember. And when I read your blog, I cry.

And I don't want to cry anymore.

Why someone says, "God is good," I remember. When someone says, "I could just die!" I remember. When someone asks, "Any prayer requests?" I remember. And because I don't know how to feel, I feel guilty.

Don says Jen is doing so well. That makes me cry. But talking to Don is community. Reading your xanga on my computer at home at night is just me. Well, me and "the babies." I think you remember them. Kyle used Radley in a sermon one Sunday. You were probably on tour that week. But the babies aren't community that I can flesh out my saddness in, or cry and have someone notice and remind me it will be okay.

It's just me.

And I don't want to cry anymore.

I try so hard to remember so many things: names, dates, events, love, laughter... but this I want to forget.

Is that wrong?

Is it wrong that when I think of UBC all I think of is loss? Loss. Loss piled on top of loss like the flowers on Kyle's grave.

Doesn't that make you sad? How do you keep writing? How do you keep crying "victory"? I don't feel victory. I feel loss.

So I won't read your xanga anymore.

Much love and apologies for your loss that I know exists so much deeper than mine,



Alicia said...


I am so sorry for your loss.

Your honesty in your grief is so refreshing. Thank you for being open and allowing others in to your heart and thoughts. As you share you thoughts, fears, emotions, ect others may feel free to grieve for the first time.

For me, reading about your grief, David's greif and a few others has allowed healing in my heart. I know I am not alone. Thank you...

lynnette said...

i feel like you. i am reading this stuff on my own. and the sadness comes and goes in waves. an ambulance. the mention of a baptism. a pastor. the david crowder band. microphones. memories - of everything. birds flying through the sanctuary. a video where they showed kyle's picture to random baylor people and some girl described him as "hot." stories from his sermons. cleaning the sanctuary. getting ready for the garage sale. midweek on dave's porch. these are the waves that wash over me.

jolynna says that grief comes in quiet moments when no one is looking...and that God is looking. i believe that. but it's hard to talk about loss when you're no longer in the midst of the community that has experienced the loss. so if they are processing, then i have been left out of the process.

rescue is coming...but it feels a long way off.