These are my cats.



This is my dog.



This is my cat on top of the refrigerator.



Any Questions?


So Janie is great: fairly obedient, house trained, very loving, submissive, playful (but not hyper). She can sit on command and shake (but only if there's a treat). She can also fetch until the game becomes too exiting for her and she feels compelled to run around in circles ignoring you and thus ending the fetch game. She is protective of me (growls and strangers, men and people with pet smells on them). She is loyal, and when she gets nervous, she knows her mama and comes to sit as close to or even on my feet if she is able.

Truthfully, "the cats" are getting better with Janie who is also getting better with the cats. The first few days they growled and slapped her and she chased them at which point the top of the refrigerator became their new home. Zorba has yet to return to anywhere else. Potter though is younger and secretly wants to befriend Janie while still maintaining a macho "I run this place" attitude. First he ventured to the top of the table... then to the hallway at night... then into my doorway... my bed and now will even stay on the bed if Janie jumps up to join us (until Janie wants to put her paws on Potter at which point he runs away). As you can see, they are getting along much better.



I even caught them both sitting on the couch gazing out the window together one day when I returned home from work. They'll also both lay on the floor now in the same room at a fairly close proximity and not disturb each other.

Zorba however, hates Janie and sticks to the countertops and the refrigerator. Seriously.



Last month (pre-Janie) I took the brave step of putting in a kitty door. The cats have been loving that - going in and out as they please. It's me who worries and has to be big enough to let them go. But I locked the kitty door when I adopted Janie. After exposing the cats to janie for a week and finally confident that they wouldn't run away in protest, I let them go back outside again. So they seem pleased about that. Zorba even came down from the fridge for lovin' today while Janie was outside. Baby steps.

Unfortunately, Janie has some health issues. She was a shelter dog on death row that an adoption agency took to find a good home for her. While under their care, she couldn't receive all the tests and meds she needed. So after a trip to Dr. B, my vet, I've discovered that janie has a mild case of heart worms and also something in her intestines that is contagious to humans. Granted, it's only transferable from fecal to mouth, but little miss hypochondriac, as if she wasn't washing her hands enough, is now verging on compulsive. But it's all treatable. And Janie has none of the side effects they predicted: pain, appetite loss, lethargy. She eats like a pig and even ran around like an ape gone mad in my house this evening. I do have to be careful about that though because she is not supposed to be active! Although it's hard to keep a dog bedridden, she can't get excited for more than five minutes because the medicine is killing worms in her heart and is therefore hard on the heart. So after thinking, "good god, the dog's gone mad" when she began herding nothing around the house and even crashed into the back door she was running so fast, I finally got her to sit still and chew on a bone. Whew!

So that's the news on the new dog and the boogerheads. More to come, I'm sure. But our next adventures lie in the musical Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, my family flying/driving in and Mom and Amy experiencing Holy Week for the first time! Stay tuned...

Another musical is upon us. I'm in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat by Andrew Lloyd Webber this upcoming weekend. Nights are when I usually blog and those have been occupied lately. Forgive me.

But in case you want to see the show, it's Saturday the 31st at 7:30 and Sunday the 1st at 2:30. First Baptist Church, 9th and Trinity. Just in case you're in town (and most of my family will be!!!!)

I'll blog more about my new dog (who I found out today has heartworms) soon.

Sigh. Soon. Soon.

The moon is a sliver tonight and I don't know why.

Scientifically, I know why: the shadows, the positions, the sun, the earth...

But I don't know why it struck me so. Usually full moons grab my attention. and for a brief moment I am seduced by Hollywood and wonder if I can't really see it inching towards the earth getting bigger and bigger, closer and closer, shooting towards earth where it will hit us and that will really be it; the end.

But the sliver moon? I rarely notice it.

I am more apt to note the circumference that completes the sliver crescent with the dark side of the moon filling in the rest of the circle. That always puzzled me as a kid, why could I see the rest of the moon in shadow? And why could I see the moon during the day when I was supposed to see the sun?

And though I saw the circle finishing out the moon and the darkness filling in the gap, it was the sliver of light i identified with tonight.

And I don't know why.

So my friends Michelle, Frank and I travelled to Marfa to relax...

and to laugh. These pictures were taken one night when we were playing with Frank's computer. Hot huh?

My goals for my mandatory vacation time were to read, ride horses, look at cacti, go hiking, write in my journal and sit on a wooden front porch in the wooded mountains and meditate about my life.

I did get to read,



a rad, but intense book called The Kite Runner. It's been highly recommended by two of my friends, Nancy and Sam, so it must be good. They're right. I'm 150 pages in and they're right.

I also journaled each morning at the Brown Recluse,



but I didn't process much about my life or my future or my job, which may be all for the best. Loser Ann gave herself a backache worrying about work on Tuesday night at dinner when she was supposed to not be thinking about workat all. She was supposed to be relaxing. Sigh. Her friends were irritated with her, but the food was delicious and the waiter very nice and well informed about the "cool" spots in Marfa.

My friends and I visited a winery via Michelle's request (she want to be a vine-a-tician or grape bearer or something - correct me on this jargon too michelle).



Some of the wine was good and some I could have done without. The funny part was that the woman who poured our tastes was new, and we were her first wine-tasting. She picked up the first bottle with her supervisor behind her and carefully poured Frank, Michelle and I each a glass half full of wine. Now, if you know much about wine-tastings, you're only supposed to receive about a quarter of that amount. Otherwise you're drunk by the fourth bottle. And we were tasting eight! So her supervisor gently informed her that she was not really supposed to give us that much wine each time. We all looked at each other and laughed. She spent the rest of the time trying to pour less and less. It was pretty amusing.



We also visited Fort Davis



where we went up to the MacDonald's Observatory to view the mountains.



B-e-a-u-tiful. It was pretty cool. Although my ears never popped, this is how high we were.



Back in Marfa, we ate dinner at the Paisano Hotel (remember the pic of Mich and Frank with their wine looking very chic and sophisticated?) where the actors from the old classic Giant all stayed.



(Did I tell you that already?)

Anyway, I do believe I covered the basics. Although there were no trees or snow like I expected, walking in the dusty streets was a welcome change to the hustle of austin's tar and traffic. And though we didn't have time for horses, the winery was a welcome addition that I never would have thought of. If I had to sum up this trip I would use the words, laughing, playing, eating and surprise to describe it. My friends and I had a great time (so did Janie). And if I think of more to tell you, rest assured, I will.

Full of artist studios and foundations owned by a few people, Marfa proves to be a very interesting town. It's very kitch, but also very small. So there's one cool coffee house, but there's no wi-fi. There's one cool local band, but the lead singer is an ass and got kicked out of the hotel restaurant the night we ate there. There are lots of neat adobe buildings many of which house art galleries or are rented out to book stores or artists studios, but they're all "owned" I guess by these federations, most of which have the name Judd painted on the windows. It's known for it's eclectic feel, but I have a feeling the most unique people there are visitors, most of whom were on vacation from Austin the few days we were there. We probably met as many Austinites as we did Marfians or Marfadites, or something.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

Along the road to Marfa, I discovered windmills.



This isn't the appropriate term for them, but I'm ignorant and have a horrible memory, so I'm calling them windmills. Michelle can correct me in the comments. Anyway, these ginormous windmills produce energy. And we passed a lot of "high energy grids" or something like that. Companies like Whole Foods get their energy from such windmills. Apparently they're a great source of energy that doesn't deplete our resources. So if you own or are a part of a company that needs to get on the ball about facing ecological issues - bring up the windmills to your boss or your owner. Do a little research first though, this is definitely not a class A presentation on energy resources. Not to mention I can't remember the dang name of the windmills.

I also found a cool pen at a gas station. Just for the record I love pens and it is totally acceptable to buy a super cool pen at a gas station when you're on vacation because vacation is the time to splurge. I love my pen that has a monkey on top of it.



Unfortunately, the monkey is supposed to light up and doesn't. That's the risk you take when you buy from a gas station, not going to lie to you.



I bought another memento from the trip from a local jeweler. Agate is the rock found in Marfa and the surrounding area. It's a beautiful stone that comes in a variety of colors. The cool part about it is that it looks 3d and you can see "things" "designs" whatever inside the stone as if they were bottles that someone built a little boat inside of. So of course I bought a cool ring from the local guy who sells Agate and makes jewelry out of it. Awesome!

I've mention cacti several times I'm sure and of course you know I have my ever expanding cacti garden at my house. Ahem. So of course I had to buy three small cactii native to the area. Plus my landlord had this cool mini-cactus cactus bush in front of our efficiency and said I could clip some of it off.



In addition, one of the houses on the way to the Brown Recluse where we had coffee every morning (but did not check our email) had a PURPLE cactus bush in their yard. Well, I'm not going to lie to you. I coveted that purple cacti plant. So one night after Michelle and Frank had gone to a local bar (owned by an Austinite - i told you!), on their way home they decided to still my beating heart and get me a little snub to plant in my garden. Lo and behold, when they came bounding into our little house where i was reading, they presented me my present and beamed about their sneaky accomplishment. It was Michelle's idea, but Frank's pocketknife (necessary for "camping" as we were) that completed the task. It's beautiful though and already planted in the ground.

I'll take a full picture of my ever-growing garden when I get the three other cacti that I bought planted...

I put my fingers up to my forehead and began messaging. A headache had come on. That stinks. Thirty minutes till we arrive home and I get a headache. A few minutes later my normally unconscious swallow was now dry with a little pain. Then my ear began to throb.

I was officially back in Austin.

You can tell by the allergies.

My two good friends Michelle and I travelled to Marfa this week.



While all my other friends went on cruises or had friends in town or did the SXSW thing or even just worked, we travelled to West Texas with my new dog Janie.



It all happened rather quickly to be truthful. I planned on taking a few days off after playing Youth Minister for two months at my job while Kevin took a much needed sabbatical. Then my boss instructed me to take a few days off (bonus). I have a friend in West Texas who said I should get out of the I35 bubble and check out the rest of Texas. So I mentioned this to Chris, Michelle and Frank one night as we sat around discussing the Oscars who agreed that a trip to West Texas would be fun. Next thing I know, within a few days of UT's Spring Break, we had decided to actually act on our musings. Sans Chris who had to work, Frank and three women (Ann, Michelle and Janie) took off for Marfa where we had rented two little "houses" (one bedroom abodes) to spend a few days.

I shortly discovered on the drive up there (where I spent most of the time sleeping, petting Janie, and running through my songs for FBC's production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat)



that "the mountains" where I had been told we were spending vacation were not like the mountains up north and east with tall trees, steep and narrow roads, snow, etc. The mountains of west texas are in the middle of the desert. They are desert mountains: shades of brown spotted with dark green shrubs and cactii.



Although they were not purple mountains majesty, they were majestic in their own way: stilling, peaceful, powerful. I began to understand that the Westerns I had never really watched with the cowboys and the horses and the deserts took place in these hills. They were not sci-fi, outer space, or magical-land fairy tales like the other movies I watched that I had no context for. Those western films were about real places real people.

One film, Giant, was actually filmed in Marfa. We visited the hotel where the actors had stayed and I saw the brown hills they ran horses in, pulled my ballcap down to keep the dust that blew in their eyes out of my own and appreciated the cool breezes at night that required an extra blanket that the day's hot sun didn't require.

My vacation had begun.

Loud noises outside my house. Three men in city of austin shirt digging huge holes in my mansion neighbor's and my side yard. I take the recycling out to the curb.

"Ma'am, I'm gonna need you to not use your water. No flushing the toilet, no running water. I'll come knock on your door and tell ya."

I return inside and quickly brush my teeth and use the restroom.

. . .

Knock, knock, knock.

"Okay, ma'am, I'm un-hooking it so don't run any water for 30 minutes or so - maybe an hour, probably not that long. Don't flush your toilet, don't run water. Okay?"

. . .


Knock, knock, knock.

"Ma'am can you flush your toilet for me so I can see if I got this hooked up right?"

. . .

Knock, knock, knock.

"Ma'am can I fill up this bucket with some water? Do ya mind?"

. . .

I go outside to put letters in the mailbox.

"Ma'am, you makin' lunch?"

. . .

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"We're leaving now, you can take a shower or whatever. Bye-bye."

Smile.

Good-bye.

During the ice storm in January, my tree looked like this...

In February, my beautiful tree began to look like this...

It's petals opened up an aroma of sweetness that I'd never smelled before. And I love my tree.

This is me telling the tree I appreciate the good smelling blooms on it's branches (the ones that aren't dead, and half of them are dead, i would not lie to you - if you have a chainsaw and some free time, call me).
So I felt motivated by spring and started in on my yard. Week one I mowed the front and for the first time the back yard (when I first moved in the back was mostly dirt - actually, so was the front - but after all the winter rains, i have grass, or at least green stuff growing). Week two I dug up the rose bushes that spent last year growing up through the bushes that the former owner planted after having cut down the rose bushes apparently not realizing they were perenials. (there's a lot this man didn't realize but i will refrain from listing any further details). I planted them where the former ugly bushes/weeds were that I cut out. Week three (Friday) I began to feel for my sad cactii garden (no comment Emily and Amy) and so pulled out the plant that the "ice storm"

in January had killed. In it's place I planted beautiful catus plants that need no water :) and will, I'm sure, flourish in my cactus garden. Enjoy...

Last week some friends and I gathered to watch the annual Oscars...





Most of the time was spent laughing at Ellen, whom I love, and playing with Potter. The Oscars had some great moments this year - the people posing as the variety of objects and scenes, the Jack Black trio, the cutie kid from Little Miss Sunshine and Nicole Kidman's georgous dress.

Since the Oscars, I've seen two movies: The Illusionist and Running With Scissors. If you're looking for an easy watch with suspense, romance and my ex-boyfriend, Edward Norton (we broke up when he began dating Courtney Love - gah! I had to end it. Anyone who would choose her over me is seriously disturbed. I mean, really.) then this is the flic for you. However, if you're looking for an intense, funny, difficult, based on real life flic that is now probably in my top ten favorite movies of all time, then Running With Scissors is for you.

That's my official Oscars and non-oscars update.

Potter's precious isn't he?

Lent is beautiful.

I told someone that tonight and surprised myself.

I didn't really learn what Lent was until 2005. Let me re-phrase that. I knew the definition, the tradition, the eating fish on Fridays, I'd even practiced some of it's disciplines. But it wasn't until I became a member of Mosaic and experienced my first real journey through Lent that I understood it. The forty days plus Sundays were a time of constant reflection for me. Never have I been so involved in religion that it became an everyday part of my routine; no, more than that, an everyday part of my consciousness. That year I gave up pop I believe: a drug to keep me going. In addition, I fasted lunches during the week and journaled that half-an-hour instead. It was 2005, there was much pain early on that year (and unbeknownst to me, much more to come), and my prayers were fervent. On Sundays at church, I watched our worship space get darker and darker as we slowly we began removing the candles and dimming the light. By Good Friday it was pitch black in worship. My eyes adjusted some to the darkness, but mostly I just listened intently. And for the first time in my life I cried at the death of someone I'd never met. I cried for Christ. It finally hit me that I loved a man who died, and a tear slid down my cheek.

Easter that year was beautiful though; bright with Easter lilies all around the worship space. We changed the seating completely, we turned on the lights, we decorated with flowers. All was new for the people who entered. And you can see how I really "experienced" Lent emotionally that year.

Last year for Lent I gave up alcohol during the week, and took my college students through the wilderness of Lent as we worshipped and learned together in Beresheth. It's so depressing, my colleagues complained. But it's Lent, I probably replied. And it was a good chance for me to teach some good Baptists college kids what Lent was designed to remind us of.

But it's purpose is not only about things becoming dark, the stripping of the sanctuaries, the black cloths, the unlit candles. It's so much more than that. So this year, thanks to Sam and his cohorts, I was reminded of what I did instinctually and obediently that first year, that Lent is about more than giving up something, it is about giving to (too). So as I had abandoned my lunch, I offered up my prayers. This year again I have given something up, but am focusing more on what I am giving back. (And no, I'm not telling what either of those are - it's private, between me and God, and we'll see what results from it).

In Beresheth last week, Roger spoke about the elements of Lent, how it started, how we are called to help usher in God's will on earth as it is in heavenly. We are called to have heavenly days, to live seeing the world through God's eyes.

And so instead of spending Lent mourning, I will spend it observing, watching God at work, appreciating God's creation and joining God to bring about heaven on earth.

Never the less, for the next four weeks of Beresheth (sans one week in March), we will study what it means to have the ashes smeared across our foreheads: equality, mortality, something-else-I-can't-remember-now, and persecution. I know that sounds depressing. We all know depressing: I watch the news and get depressed. I look at the temperature gauge on my house, take off my sweater, wonder at the mystery of winter, and get nervous. I listen to men and women who speak to me of guilt and sorrow and a desparation to know a God they feel they have let down and it is saddens me. It's depressing not to see ourselves and not see the world as God does.

But that for me is why Lent is beautiful this time around. Because my focus is not on the sorrow, the grieving, the coming to terms with Christ's death only to be released finally by a joyous resurrection. This time it's about heaven on earth, being Christ to each other, recognizing (painfully) our mortality and seeking to make the most of every day, to love every person. Our sin has got to go, there's no time for it. Only time to love God and love each other. So repent, repent, (i've never heard that come out of my mouth) turn around and start over. Not on Easter, but now, today, during Lent. Let's make life beautiful. And if they abhore us for it, so be it. There are worse things in life than to be hated for doing what is good and pure.

You are good and pure. Not of your own essence, not of your own self, not of anything you've done. Just by being you, a child of God, gazing up, repenting, and turning around, ready to behold heaven on earth... and join right in.

Lent, it's beautiful.

I love Ash Wednesday service.

I love the symbolism of the ashes - that we are all on the same ground before God, that we all fall short, that we are all equal, that we all sin, that we all need help. I love that in the Baptist church the people impose the ashes on each other, because we are all priests. I love watching one family member make the cross on another family member, I love watching the young remind the old, short stand on tippy-toes to reach to forheads of the tall. I love it. Priests unto each other.

I love that I get to participate in creating Ash Wednesday services and that I get to be creative. I've helped plan the past two years at FBC and four years ago at UBC Waco. (I remember Kyle calling me 3 years ago to ask, "Now what did we do last year and can you send me some info on it?") I love that there are so many symbolic acts that can be done to communicate the tradition, wisdom and deep meaning of Lent and Ash Wednesday.

I love that at one time, people took their faith so seriously, that they would spend 40 days in "training" learning about God and the tradition, anticipating being baptized on Easter at the end of their educational period.

I love that those people were willing to wear the ashes, be immersed in water, and rise to new life in Christ because they really believed in who God is.

I love that my friends at Cool People Care suggested not giving something up for Lent, but giving something to...

Ash Wednesday is beautiful, and as you may have noticed, I love it. I just wish more churches celebrated the tradition.

Happy Mardi Gras or Fat Tuesday or whatever. I hope you got all your feasting in, but hopefully you feasted on more than just women's breasts. (Lame). Food and wine is always a better alternative than random people's privates being peddled in public - i digress.

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and in light of Sam Davidson's suggestions we will be repenting but also resolving at my church, burning a paper with our sin written on it and also laying on the Table a paper with what good we vow to do to help bring about heaven on earth. Yep, I'm singing Heavenly Day.

If you live in Austin and want to receive the imposition of the ashes (taken from our burned paper), come to First Baptist Church at 9th and Trinity at 6:15. It will be a beautiful service of mourning and rejoicing as we enter Lent repentant and resolute.

Can I just say that on my deed to the house I own, reads these words...

"ANN PITTMAN, AN UNMARRIED WOMAN..."

Um, can i get a witness? Does everyone else's deed say that? If my single male friend owns a house does it read, "SO N SO, AN UNMARRIED MAN..." I mean really. Like that's not obvious enough.

I was also told by my friend (who shall Joyfully remain anonymous) at the dinner table tonight that I am "not horrible looking." My friends all laughed - as did I. Whew! Thank God I'm not horrible looking. "No," she tried to fix it, "what I meant to say is, you're not horrible looking, you know? You're definately not."

[Granted, there's a context to this story and why I'm not horrible looking (although I did inform her that there were plenty of other ways she could have communicated how I look including inserting other adjectives into the sentence instead of negating horrible; for example, nice-looking, pretty, beautiful, totally hot, or whatever) but it's pretty funny (and accurately recorded) as is.]

So just for the record, in case anyone was curious, I am Ann Pittman, an unmarried woman, who is definately not horrible looking.

Go ahead and print that on an official document.

Patty Griffin, whom I love, has an amazing song on her new album Children Running Through called Heavenly Day. Great Song. Super. I'd love to cover it someday.

Yesterday was a heavenly day. After getting all day Monday off, I woke up Tuesday refreshed and ready to go. Staff meeting? Not a bore. Discussing hard issues of the church? Not a chore. Even when Roger and I had our monthly heart to heart confrontation and I cried, I wasn't sad or mad or whatever. They were just tears on a heavenly day.

The sky was blue. Deceptively blue. Blue sky and 60 or 70 degrees blue. But even when I had to turn right back around to go inside and grab a scarf before heading to work it was a heavenly day.

After work I ate amazing chinese food from a restaurant called Suzy's. Read up some on the Judah and Tamar story from Genesis 28 - always a delight. And then two of my best friends and I watched my favorite show House on TV and then rented Little Miss Sunshine.

My parents and grandparents had sent me Valentine's Day gifts that came early so I was still buzzing from those. According to my parents card to me, I "sparkle." And I felt sparkly yesterday on my all too normal but very heavenly day.

Today on the other hand - known to the general public as Valentine's Day, but known to all Common Grounds-ers as Singles Awareness Day - was not heavenly. I awoke at 7:30 to do a hospital visit, but went back to bed when we couldn't figure out what hospital she was in. For some reason when i returned to sleep, I set my alarm for 1:30am and needless to say didn't wake up on my own until 11:30. No flowers at church waiting for me from my imaginary boyfriends, my wanna-be boyfriends, my ex-boyfriends, or even stalkers. I forgot my lunch at home and had to moocoh off the secretaries. And the sky was grey and the weather cold. Didn't go out to a movie tonight with friends because of a headache and general not-feel-good-ness. Not a heavenly day.

But you know what, those are facts and I'm not complaining. Because some days are just normal days you get through and some days are simply normal but feel simply heavenly. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's waking up on time, maybe it's karma, maybe it's prayer, but even as i lay here with my throat getting a little more sore, i'm still treasuring yesterday and contemplating how to view every day as a heavenly one.

Heaven on earth, God's kingdom now. There just might be something to that.

Bright lipstick masks many an illness.

You can quote me on that.

For the very old school...

Il a plu in Montpellier today, for I am without you...

Love,
ann

This conference has been kicking my butt.

I don't mean the 14 million hour work days, i mean the content.

Yesterday I attended a breakout session on Terrorism with Dr. Oladapoe who actually was a professor at Truett in 2001 when I first started there although I never had him in class. Then I went to a session about Starlight Ministries, an organization that ministers to exotic dancers (read: strippers). It was amazing. The woman asked us who the "least of these" are in our lives. Then she made us do this intense illustration about things we treasure in our lives. I won't tell you all about it, because I plan on using it someday on a Wednesday night or at a Bible study. Suffice it to say, it sombered us, angered us, saddened us and humbled us. I would love to start a ministery here in Austin that seeks to tell women in clubs like that that they are valuable to God and worth more than what someone will pay for them.

Today I attened another breakout on change: the process of change, how to help people get over or begin to start the process of dealing with addictions. The leader stuck nametags on us that read "slut," "smoker," "manwhore," "junkie," "drunk," etc. Her point was of course that people always are more than the labels we give them. As Carlyle Marnie says in his book, Priests to Each Other, it is not what we do that defines who we are, it is simply our being, our humanity. So we are not "potheads," we are people who smoke pot and need help breaking the cycle. We are not "tramps," we are women who dance for money who need redemption from what led them to that point. It was really interesting.

I was a "slacker" addicted to sleeping pills in her illustration. We also had a "bitch" who's boyfriend abused her. At the end of the session, I reminded that girl to take off her nametag if she walks into the office. Her "name" might have traumatized some of our secretaries as it's probably traumatizing my grandma right now.

So it's been a really interested conference so far on Social Justice. Suzii Paynter spoke this morning for the devotional and was of course fabulous. She'll speak again tonight at Worship.

I'll keep you posted...

new post? you wanna new post?

fine. here it is. ambien-fied, but true.

14 hour work day, just got home an hour ago.
12 hour work day yesterday.
funeral today - jerry keesee who died too young in most of our opinions. but who are we to judge god? did we make the wind and the seas? or so they say. and i cried very hard for janet. did you know that they both had a dream the same night that they were supposed to marry each other and the next day of course they told each other their dreams. and obviously, they did end up getting married. that would never work today. your typical male-committment-phobe would freak out, dump you and then ask out a different girl every night to make himself feel free and available and just testing the waters and surely not committing. and your typical female would keep it to herself but would write about it in her jounal and wonder. and those wonderings she would "treasure in her heart." then they'd break up and she'd be heart-broken and he'd just get taked about behind his back for being an ass to women and she'd beat herself up for believing, even a little bit, that he was a good guy because of some stupid dream.

but it worked for Janet and Jerry and i loved that about them. "Janet, Jerry's on line one." It always made me smile.

"Did you dress up for JerBear today or for me," she whispered in my ear.
"For JerBear, Janet."

The Current conference at church has officially begun. I had resident meetings all day which went great except for when i returned from the funeral sobbing. but i calmed down after getting overwhelmed about being a part of a church which such a legacy of saints. I've never been at a church that revered it's history so much and treasured it's saints. I can name those who have gone before me at First Baptist and i never even knew them. that's a legacy. that's community. those are men of God. i can't wait to meet the saits of our present and watch them, men and women, grow in God and go make a difference in the world. Will i get to, is the question...

the highlight of the last few days is seeing my friends who are also in my program: Cody, Rachel, Kevin, Todd and Charles. And LeAnn who already "graduated" showed up tonight too. So that's fun, to catch up, laugh, cry, lament and dream.

I love dreaming.

Except when the dreams are bad or tell you you're going to marry someone. Then I just get cranky. Keep it subtle God or keep it to yourself. And psychie - if that's you in there. Cut it out. You've failed me before.

Take me back to the flowers and angels dream. That was nice. Prepare some good ones for us Jerry for when we get up there to join you. My favorite color is red...

Tonight I will dream of flowers. Flowers and angels and soft delicate hands with long fingers. And these three things will all be beeautiful but indistinguishable. Their background will be white. Perfect for all those flowers and it hides the angels well; though you can hear them, singing him home.

I know very little about being still.

I bounce my leg when I sit, fidget when I stand and rub my feet together when I lay down in bed.

Still is not an adjective used to describe me.

I jump with both arms up in the air when I’m excited. I throw my head back and sing opera when I’m nervous. And I slap my hands over my mouth and bunch my shoulders when I’ve done something wrong.

I’m animated, not still.

Inside of me there’s not much stillness either. I get a chest pain when I’m overwhelmed; a headache when I’m too hot, chattery teeth when I’m too cold. I have a permanent back ache that has taken to sending pulses up and down my left shoulder blade. When I’m excited, I get butterflies in my stomach and when I’m nervous my hands sweat. Nothing inside or outside my body stays still.

“Spend six hours in silence,” my professor in seminary assigned me and my colleagues. Are you kidding me? Do you think you could get this brain to be still and silent at all let alone for six hours? If I’m not brainstorming what I need to get done at work or how I could do better, I’m worrying about my friends or family or my house or money. Or I’m chastising myself for being a hypocrite or praising myself for being such a freakin’ genius. Or I’m overanalyzing some conversation or even composing a future blog. And if those things aren’t occupying my mind, then I’m usually rehearsing the acceptance speech I’ll humbly deliver when I win a Grammy or I’m giving an amazing monologue about relationships to an ex-boyfriend after which I gracefully exit the scene having broken his heart and left him in utter destitution without me to love.

My mind is never still – is yours?

I mean really, you can’t be all that different from me.

Maybe you’re shy or not quite as vocal or animated or self-consumed or neurotic, but I bet you haven’t got stillness down to a fine art.

“Be still and know me,” God says.
“How about I be active and know you?” I respond.

I’ll go to my job and work really hard and come home and listen quietly to my spouse talk about her day, and on the weekends I’ll hang out with my friends and encourage them through “good fellowship,” and on Sunday I’ll go to church, visit with my church friends, contribute a few thoughts in Sunday School and listen to a good sermon in worship. That’s knowing you, right? Hard work, being supportive, going to church – isn’t that what you want?

Or I’ll go to school five days a week, read lots of books about ancient Rome or rocks or the pythagrium theory and I’ll be sure to not to curse my teachers when their expectations are way too high even though the other people do. All this because I want to be studious, a student of your world and the more educated I become, the more I understand you. I read the chapters in the book we’re studying in Bible study before I even get to Sunday school – that’s a quality quiet time. Not to mention Beresheth on Thursday nights. That is when I learn about you and just chill with some of my friends and that’s knowing you – right? Learning more about you and the world?

Right? Right? Aren’t you listening to me? I’m telling you how our relationship works! This is how I know you. This is how; aren’t you listening?!

And we’ve missed the point because none of it is still.

We may learn about God through books in a classroom or by throwing a football with some friends or by planting a garden in the earth, but still God asks us to know God more.

How? By being still.

A reporter once asked Mother Theresa what she does when she prays. “I listen” she replied. And what does God do, the reporter inquired further to which the humble nun replied, “He listens.”

Being still.

Practicing stillness requires setting time aside for it. Actual time during the day or during the week. Designated time for stillness. Practicing stillness requires a posture of stillness – literally. Not posture that will make you fall asleep or make you more anxious or focus you on yourself – but a posture where you can breathe properly, with perhaps open hands, opening your body to silence and to God. Practicing stillness requires patience. Patience for your brain to pass through what you didn’t get done at work, that argument with your mom, what’s currently broken in your apartment, if you have enough money to pay off your credit card, how you wish you’d auditioned for American Idol, and what a liar your ex-girlfriend was. Your brain has to move through all that and then when it is still and it is with God, you will be still and God will be still and peace will settle in.

Peace that not everything in life will work out, but that God will still be present.
Peace that you may not pass that class with a B, but you will pass.
Peace that you may never feel good enough at your job, but you will work anyway.
Peace that you may never find the right girlfriend or boyfriend, but that community will prevail.
Peace that there will never be an end to poverty or war or hate, but that love does exist.

And in the stillness you will hear God say, “lo I am with you always, even until the end of the age.” Even when your car breaks down, even when you flunk a test, even when your spouse leaves you, even when death prevails. In the stillness, you find that God remains.

You will find peace that though the world is not right, God is.
Though you are not strong, God is.

God still is.

Still.

So be still and know.